BEIJING - President Xi Jinping caught wind of protests going on in the NBA, and he reportedly thought his goose was cooked. Thinking the NBA was finally going to turn on him and expose his country's oppression of Christians, Muslims, Uighurs, and basically all of their citizens except the elite members of the Communist Party, Jinping started to freak out.

But then, Jingping breathed a sigh of relief when he was assured they were just protesting perceived injustices in the United States and not the much worse and more frequent injustices carried out by his regime.

"I was getting nervous there for a second when I heard they were going to be protesting police brutality, oppression, and racism," Xi said. "I literally do all of those things, you know? I thought for sure they were coming after me when I heard they were calling attention to systemic oppression and subjugation of other races. But I've been assured by my good friend LeBron that they will never speak up against injustices that make them some solid coin, like the ones here in China."

"Whew! Close one."