VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo boldly proclaimed today that God does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, so long as you don't count King David, or Joshua, or Gideon, or Samson, or Elijah, or Hezekiah, or any of those other people in the Bible.
Pope Leo further stated that you must also not count Saint Joan of Arc, Saint George, or any of the other Christian warriors who prayed to God.
"God will never answer the prayers of those waging war," declared Pope Leo. "That is, if you ignore that bit in the Bible about God answering Moses' prayer when Israel battled the Amalekites. And the bit about David's prayer before facing Goliath. And the bit about God answering Joshua's prayer when he marched on Jericho. And the bit about God answering Gideon's prayer when he fought the Midianites. And the bit about God answering Elijah's prayer at the showdown against the prophets of Baal. And the bit about God answering those Psalm prayers that King David composed when he was at war. And all the other bits in the Bible too."
The Pope assured listeners that other than those slight exceptions, God definitely does not listen to the prayers of those engaged in war. "The Lord otherwise will never, ever listen to those who wage battle," said Pope Leo. "Of course, not counting when God answered Saint Joan of Arc's prayers at Orleans . Or Saint George, don't count him either. Oh, or Saint Cornelius, or Saint Sebastian, or any of those guys. Oh, and not anyone operating under Just War Theory as defined by Saint Thomas Aquinas. But, yeah, other than that."
At publishing time, Pope Leo had clarified that you should also probably not count any modern Christian generals like George Washington, just to be safe.
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