VATICAN CITY — The Vatican has announced the passing of Pope Benedict, the last and final Catholic Pope.
"Pope Benedict will be remembered fondly by those who actually believe that Catholic stuff," said Pope Francis. "I'm not sure exactly who those people are, but I'm deeply sorry for your loss."
Born Joseph Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI was known across the world for saying out loud what Catholics believe. "Ratzinger combined humble leadership, remarkable intellect, and being Catholic," said retired Bishop Joseph Kurtz. "He had a deep commitment to the magisterial teachings of the Catholic Church, which basically means he was Catholic. It's a really good quality in a Pope."
While the Catholic Church had a long streak going of Catholic Popes, that lineage officially came to a close with Pope Benedict's passing. "It was a good run," remarked Father George Pine. "Ratzinger was a good one to go out on. He was a terrific theologian, yet able to communicate in accessible ways. Also, you always knew where he stood on the issues - because he was Catholic."
At publishing time, the Vatican was reportedly looking for some nearby Catholics to come perform the appropriate Mass for Pope Benedict's passing.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
