Police Warn Of Increase In Boring Murders That Would Never Make A Good Podcast

CHICAGO, IL—Crime has been on the rise lately, and police are now warning of a particularly scary trend. They say there has been an increase in murder, but not just any type of murder. The increase is in boring, straightforward murders that will not provide any entertaining content for a podcast or a Netflix documentary.

“What we’re seeing is a high number of things such as gangland shootings where everyone knows who did it,” said police chief Byron Carlson. “Also some crimes of passion where, once again, there is no mystery about what happened. What we’re not seeing is a woman who maybe fed her husband to a tiger but no one can prove it—nothing interesting like that.”

The announcement has reverberated throughout the podcasting community. “Interesting murders are propping up a whole industry,” said true-crime podcaster Lisa Delgado. “I don’t know what we’ll do if we run out of mysterious deaths. I’ve tried covering some mysterious bike thefts, but no one cares about those. No one cares at all.”

There seems to be little that the average podcaster can do, but those with deep pockets like Netflix are starting to train and fund serial killers in hopes of meeting future content demands.

The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube
There are 104 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.

Get the Bee delivered straight to your inbox: