HOUSTON, TX — News broke this afternoon that Pastor Joel Osteen kicked congregant Jeff Janovec off the church softball team after Janovec reportedly wrote a Bible verse on his Lakewood Church team hat.
Church representatives confirmed that before removing Janovec, Osteen first issued a warning to all players that defacing Lakewood merch with Bible verses would not be tolerated.
"The writing of Bible verses does not represent the values of Lakewood Church or its leaders," said Osteen in a statement. "I am personally appalled that one of our players chose to detract from the Lakewood mission by adding Scripture to a team hat. We could have re-sold that cap for $15 profit at the Lakewood gift shop. Now with a Bible verse, it's worthless. That's not who we are."
According to sources, the Scripture reference written by Janovec was II Corinthians 12:9. "What a bunch of hooey," said Osteen after being informed what it said. "Who would settle for just grace when God could also give you a Lamborghini? Ridiculous. Grace isn't sufficient for me, I'll tell you that for free. And that's the only thing I'll tell you for free."
At publishing time, Osteen had graciously offered to let Janovec back on the team for a nominal sum of cash.
Behold! Woke Jesus is teaching when the Pharisees bring to him a woman caught in adultery. Listen and learn from this cherished Bible story about how Woke Jesus turned to intersectionality.
