MENLO, IA - A local pigeon made a terrible mistake by pooping on the President of the United States today, after mistaking him for an old statue.

"I'm sorry, I meant no disrespect," said Mr. Flappy, the pigeon responsible for the error. "I was just in the air doing my pigeon thing when I saw this old, rickety, ancient-looking statue just standing there, with a blank, statue-like expression on his face. It looked like a perfect target!" 

Several witnesses in the crowd reportedly stifled laughter as the pigeon flew overhead and dropped a massive load of nasty white bird droppings on the President's shoulder. 

Biden didn't notice the bird poop until a few minutes later when he looked over to the teleprompter to receive his next line and noticed the white substance on his suit jacket. "Ooohhh! Chocolate chocolate chip ice cream! My favorite!" he said excitedly before Dr. Jill Biden rushed him off the stage. 

At time of publishing, the Biden Administration conducted a retaliatory drone strike on Mr. Flappy's nest. 

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.