WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a speech to inspire and encourage Americans facing record-high prices at the pump, Transportation Secretary Puttigieg encouraged people to ease some of that pain by simply getting a six-figure government job with free car service and unlimited parental leave.
"Look - for every American, the way out of this is simple," said Buttigieg. "All you have to do is run for president, drop out of the race, and then get appointed as Transportation Secretary! I never have to pay for my own gas! It worked for me, and I know it can work for you! Also, it helps if you're gay. Try to be gay as well. That usually works."
His comments were met with criticism by those who found them insensitive to people who aren't gay and don't have a high-paying government job and a free chauffeur.
Kamala Harris later clarified Buttigieg's comments, saying: "Gas prices very high. But all the people have low money. That make buy gas hard. So, basically, that's bad."
The Transportation Secretary assured Americans that he understands the pain that comes with high gas prices, and has promised to do something about it as soon as he's finished tearing down all the racist bridges.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
