KANSAS CITY, MO — In preparation for another grueling worship service, local pentecostal Sam Twibbins is loading up on a pre-workout concoction of whey protein, creatine, and beta-alanine for maximum gains and recovery.
"When the Spirit leads you to wave your arms around and roll around on the floor for three straight hours, it can really take it out of you," said Twibbins. "And if the worship team breaks into a 30-minute spontaneous burpee worship sesh, you're in trouble if you're not in tip-top shape. That's why I always stack supplements before getting my praise on!"
Sources say a typical pentecostal worship service can burn up to 17,000 calories, depending on the level of anointing and outpouring that day.
Doctors typically recommend drinking plenty of water and stretching for at least one hour before any pentecostal worship service. For more advanced worshippers, taking supplements is also recommended.
At publishing time Twibbins only made it halfway through morning worship as he pulled a hamstring while giving a prophetic word.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: