WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi is calling for a quick conviction of Trump so that we can all see what he's being charged with.
"Just like we do with our spending bills, we should convict Donald Trump of these charges right away so that we can see what's in them," said Pelosi. "Trump has many pages of charges that are probably horrible and we just don't have time to read them all. Doing it this way is much more efficient!" Pelosi's statement was then interrupted by her teeth getting stuck in an ice cream bar she was eating.
Sources speculate the list of charges against Trump includes paying hush money to a stripper, colluding with Russia to overthrow the United States government and usher in 1000 years of darkness, and being really yucky and Trump-like. "We don't need a list of charges to know that Trump is guilty of being Trump," said Pelosi. "Let's get this over with already."
At publishing time Manhattan's DA had announced 3,000 additional pages of charges were brought in at 1 AM in the morning.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
