WASHINGTON, D.C. — Continuing his string of pulling off peace treaties that many thought to be impossible, President Donald Trump announced that he had successfully negotiated a historic truce between iPhone and Android users.
The history-making deal was finalized at the White House on Thursday, with representatives from both sides meeting with President Trump in the Oval Office to hash out the longstanding and bloody conflict.
"I just wanted to stop the bloodshed," Trump told reporters after the agreement was announced. "I hate seeing so much fighting. I'm all about peace. I want to see people get along. I told people, ‘I want to see peace between the iPhones and the Androids,' and everyone told me, ‘That's impossible, Mr. President, it'll never happen.' And now, here we are. I'm the only one who could make this deal happen. Millions of lives are going to be saved because of this deal, I'm proud to say."
When asked how he achieved such a momentous agreement, Trump said he was confident he could get it done. "People listen to me," he said. "It doesn't matter if they have blue text bubbles or green text bubbles. We all want peace. This war goes all the way back to Obama, believe it or not, and I'm the one who finally brought it to an end. I'd like to make it into Heaven, and I think making peace between the iPhone people and the Android people might get me a little bit closer."
At publishing time, experts anxiously admitted that the tenuous ceasefire was expected to be put to an immediate test with next month's release of the iPhone 17.
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