AMARILLO, TX — Local pastor Robbie Ashlock has installed a "Heresy Gong" in the sanctuary for whenever the associate pastor is up to preach.
Any time associate pastor Jonathan Andrews proclaims something theologically unsound from the pulpit, Pastor Ashlock will smash the gong to alert congregants to the heresy.
"Uh-oh, that's nestling up awful close to Pelagianism! Goooooong," called Ashlock, smashing the cymbal. "Whoa, whoa, did I catch a Joel Osteen quote in there? Gooooooong. Aw man, this thing is awesome. I should have installed this bad boy years ago."
According to sources in the church, Pastor Ashlock has announced that all church meetings will now be held in the sanctuary in order to make good use of the gong. "It's only been a week, and the gong is getting out of hand," said children's minister Ashley Babcock. "I said something about the goldfish snacks we give kids having no redeeming value, and Pastor Robbie said, 'Oh no, sounds like someone thinks all material goods are inherently evil. A little Gnosticism, perhaps? Gooooooong.' Someone has to stop this."
At publishing time, Pastor Ashlock had announced he would also be hitting the "Heresy Gong" during praise time, leading to a torrent of cymbal crashing whenever the band played anything from Bethel Music.
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