Pam Bondi Promises To Prosecute Minnesota Rioters As Soon As She Finishes Releasing All Those Epstein Files

U.S. · Jan 19, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
White House
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the American public demanding action be taken by the government in response to aggressive and violent leftist protests across the country, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi promised to prosecute Minnesota rioters as soon as she finishes releasing all those Epstein files.

Bondi responded to the outrage after days of lawlessness in Minneapolis and other cities by assuring the American people that the individuals behind the violent riots and disturbances of church services would be held accountable after she had looked through the pile of Epstein documents that were sitting on her desk.

"I'll get to it any day now," she told reporters. "I'm still in the process of examining these Epstein files. It takes time. As soon as I'm finished with this Epstein stuff, I'll absolutely be tracking down these protesters who are terrorizing Americans and bringing them to justice. Again, to be clear, these rioters will be arrested and charged immediately after we make arrests in the Epstein case."

When asked for an explanation for the delay, Bondi was matter-of-fact. "There is a process to follow here," she said. "These types of things are finished in a single day. We have to start with the things that are least likely to be resolved before we move on to other things that are least likely to be resolved. I ask the American people for patience as I come up with other things to not get done."

At publishing time, Bondi had pointed off behind reporters and shouted, "Whoa! What is that?" before sprinting away.


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