PORTLAND, OR—After finally exhausting his ideas for wacky stunts and relevant movie clips, cutting-edge TV show references, and hokey church skits, local Pastor Jim Auburn resigned himself to just preaching the “plain ol’ gospel” as revealed in Scripture this coming Sunday, sources close to the pastor confirmed.
After preaching through every Marvel and Disney movie and performing over 50 death-defying stunts to fill the pews each and every Sunday, the somber pastor finally admitted he had no other ideas, and would simply be preaching the gospel going forward. Sources claim Auburn had been “scraping the bottom of the barrel” lately, by preaching through every single episode of Battlestar Galactica and Buffy the Vampire Slayer before coming to the end of his rope and deciding to stick to preaching Christ and Him crucified.
“I’ve browsed through the entire Netflix catalog and checked all the upcoming films. There’s just nothing left that I haven’t done. Ugh,” he reportedly muttered to himself as he frantically tried to come up with another “super-relevant” idea for this Sunday. “I guess I’ll just dust off the ol’ Bible and see what’s in there. It’s really sad that it’s come to this, but maybe somehow God will grow my church even if I don’t launch myself out of a cannon this Sunday.”