FLAVORTOWN, USA — In a burst of energy and glass shards, everyone's favorite kid beverage giant unveiled its newest mascot "Kool-Aid Woman" at a press conference Wednesday.
"The youth beverage industry has been a boys' club for too long," Kool-Aid Woman said, standing below a glass ceiling with a large, juice-pitcher-sized hole in it. "I'm here to let every round, flavored-drink-containing little girl out there know she too can one day shatter the glass ceiling that has so long held us beverage babes back."
Kool-Aid Woman says she will represent a growing call for representation in the Blue Raspberry, Very Berry, and Sharkleberry Finn industries.
"We are thrilled to introduce Kool-Aid Woman to our youngest drinkers," Kool-Aid CEO Finneas McFee told investors. "Now, every little girl in America can aspire one day to burst through a wall, a gate, or a hedge yelling ‘OOOOOOOHHHHH YEEEEAH' at surprised and slightly terrified children."
Classic mascot Kool-Aid Man told reporters he was thrilled with the addition of a Kool-Aid woman to the team and hopes her presence will lend the brand a softer, more feminine touch. "OOOOOOOHHHH YEEEEAHH!" he said in an official statement.
At publishing time, Kellogg's had joined in with the announcement of the first female Pop-Tart.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!