U.S. — O.J. Simpson has passed away from cancer at the age of 76. According to sources from the afterlife, the former football star is looking forward to asking God who really killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson.
"I've been racking my brains for decades trying to figure out who may have done it," said Simpson. "It will be great to have all my questions finally laid to rest. I really can't imagine who might have committed such a crime."
At publishing time, O.J. Simpson's questions unfortunately remained unanswered after a majority-black jury declared him "not dead."
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
