SPRINGFIELD, OH — As viral videos and reports of migrants abducting and eating housepets and geese swept the nation, a large mob of Ohio cats took to the streets to protest Haitian immigration.
The crowd of protesting cats — many of which claimed to be survivors of attempted eatings — carried picket signs and stopped traffic to call attention to the dangers Haitian migrants posed to American society at large, and the local cat population in particular.
"End immigration meow!" one cat shouted as he marched through the streets. "We are pets — not food! My brother went for a brisk evening stroll last night, and the next thing you know, he's been roasted on a spit over a crude campfire in an alley behind O'Reilly Auto Parts! We can't be expected to live like this! Send these dangerous migrants back where they came from! Meow!"
Other cats participating in the protest stood in solidarity with their brethren. "This is outrageous!" purred a cat named Twinkie as she proudly walked through the streets with her "Stop Eating Us" picket sign. "Let us live our lives! The arrival of these Haitian migrants has completely destroyed our society! We can't even tongue-bathe ourselves in peace anymore without fear of being grabbed and placed into a simmering pot of vegetables and spices. Something must change, and change now! MAGA!"
All activity and commerce in town was brought to a halt as the mob of cats, both domesticated pets and feral strays, overran city streets.
At publishing time, the cat mob was on its way to storm and occupy the Ohio state capitol building.
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