SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom has said he’s been trying a science-based approach to decide when to shut down and when to reopen his state. “I listen to SCIENCE because I am a good boy,” he recently tweeted. But now there is doubt about Newsom’s approach, as it’s been revealed that the main scientist Newsom has been listening to is actually a bunch of raccoons stuffed in a lab coat.
There were suspicions early on when Newsom first declared the stay-at-home order. “According to scientists, everyone needs to stay at home,” Newsom said in the announcement. “Also, and they said they can’t stress this enough, you need to leave your garbage outside and keep it unsecured and unmonitored.”
There were also further suspicions when Newsom began to reopen the state. “The scientists say we need to reopen now, get back into restaurants, and then not eat all that food and put most of it in the garbage. Once again, the scientists stress that the trash needs to be kept far from your business where no one can see what’s going on with it.”
The ruse was finally ended when Newsom’s top scientist collapsed into a bunch of raccoons skittering away from an abandoned lab coat after they were scared by another scientist who turned out to be a bulldog wearing glasses.