EVERETT, WA — Following a slight hiccup involving a tin can and 6,000 PSI of water pressure in the unforgiving depths of the Northern Atlantic Ocean, deep-sea tourism company OceanGate is now offering a 20% off coupon for its next tour.
"All startups have small delays and hindrances," said the brand, brand-new CEO of OceanGate, "Like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos, we are just gonna keep swimming and continue to provide an unforgettable experience for customers."
The CEO said ticket sales are no longer limited to billionaires: multi-millionaires are now permitted to purchase tickets as long as they have the 20% off coupon in hand at the time of purchase. He added that other perks are being considered to really entice potential buyers during this momentary dip in sales. Some perks include:
- Free Nintendo Wii remotes (redeemed in gift shop following successful tour)
- Family discount (small families only)
- Taco Tuesday
- 100% money-back guarantee if crushed in the cold, black abyss
At publishing time, tickets had been snatched up by a single customer, the director of Canada's medically-assisted suicide program.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
