NEW YORK, NY — Neighborhoods throughout the greater New York City area were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after a fugitive murderer was finally arrested due to falsified business records.
"He's been out on the loose for far too long," said NYC resident Keith Yates. "He killed a guy months ago, several people saw it, and he's just been roaming free every day because it's New York, and they don't prosecute felons here — unless they do something truly heinous, like allegedly falsifying business records or something. That's a really horrendous crime, right there!"
The murderer had grown so comfortable in his freedom that he reportedly had business cards printed up that identified him as "Richard Davis, Murderer." Unfortunately for Mr. Davis, while setting up his new killer-for-hire business, he apparently made several incorrect bookkeeping entries, thereby making him guilty of New York City's highest offense. "We cannot tolerate people falsifying business records in this city," said Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg. "Murdering folks is one thing, but making false entries in your business records? That will be met with swift justice!"
Mr. Davis, while proud of the murder he committed, expressed great remorse for his bookkeeping errors. "I am a horrible person for this," he said. "God will judge me harshly for my business records, and rightly so."
At publishing time, D.A. Bragg was rumored to be requesting a life sentence without parole for Mr. Davis' charge of falsifying business records, though Mr. Davis was prepared to confess to the murder he committed in order to get all charges reduced to misdemeanors.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!