President Biden is doing a great job getting rid of evil sources of energy like coal and gas, and replacing them with good energy-- like wind, solar, and baby unicorn whispers. Unfortunately, it seems that some of you may have lost your jobs as a result. Never fear! Biden has promised to replace your jobs with much better jobs that don't make Mother Gaia cry.
Here are 9 exciting new opportunities for laid-off oil and gas workers:
#1 Installing urinals in girls' bathrooms - There are over 120 million buildings in the US. That's 120 million girls' bathrooms that will need a new urinal installed for the sake of equality. Not bad!
#2 Trumpet boy for Biden's royal decrees - Biden's executive orders just seem a little more special with a trumpet boy out front heralding the coming of a new decree! Whitehouse.gov recently posted an opening for this position. Get on it!
#3 Elementary school teacher in Chicago - There's nothing nobler than working for the education of a child. Well-- we don't mean work, we mean get paid by the government just for existing. Not a bad gig.
#4 Carry buckets of oil up and down the Continental United States on foot - The Keystone XL pipeline may be gone, but that oil has to get to its destination somehow, Jack! There are thousands of new positions opening up for people to carry oil across the country, balanced on their heads, like tribal natives after fetching water at the village well. Start practicing now!
#5 Take that job at McDonald's - Might as well. At this rate, the minimum wage will be $45 an hour by the years' end.
#6 Open a GameStop - It's the wave of the future!
#7 Go back in time and buy bitcoin - Just do it. Get off your butt, build a time machine, and buy some Bitcoin in 2009. Accomplish something for once!
#8 Replace all your body parts with cyborg implants and become an Amazon drone - Helicopter arms!!! Literally no downside to this.
#9 Become a youth pastor - Hardly any work required.
Hang in there, bucko! There's plenty of opportunity out there!