PITTSBURGH, PA — In a stark change from decades of tradition, the National Football League announced that, rather than the standard method of having each team select its preferred prospects, it would now utilize Hogwarts' Sorting Hat for this year's draft.
While teams would devote millions of dollars and extensive man-hours in scouting and researching the incoming class of rookie players for the draft in past years, each franchise will now wait anxiously to see which team the Sorting Hat will determine to be the ideal fit for each prospect.
"I know which team is best, you may disregard the rest," the Sorting Hat sang in a statement to the media leading up to this week's draft. "You may strongly think that your talents would be best put to use by the Packers or Chiefs, but I'm here to tell you that the perfect NFL team for you may be counter to your beliefs."
NFL executives were confident that the new Sorting Hat method would be just the type of exciting change the draft needed to stay fresh. "It's a whole new experience now, for teams, players, and fans," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Whereas we used to just do it the boring way of having teams submit note cards with player names written on them, the Sorting Hat will add a magical touch to the draft process. While some young players may see themselves as good fits for a ‘Gryffindor' team like Kansas City or Pittsburgh, the Hat may send them to more of a ‘Slytherin' team like Minnesota or Las Vegas. We're all excited to find out!"
At publishing time, quarterback Fernando Mendoza, the consensus top pick, was heard muttering, "Please not Cleveland, please not Cleveland, please not Cleveland."
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