NEW YORK, NY - The New York Times was criticized late last week for praising the Soviet Union for its unprecedented gender equality at its brutal prison camps.
The piece swooned over the way the Soviets provided forced labor opportunities for people of all races, genders, and orientations, pointing out that while the United States may have won the Cold War and the Space Race, the USSR won the victories that counted: imprisoning all people equally.
"They even employed female guards, LGBTQ guards, and guards of color," the piece read. "From prison guards to prisoners, the Soviets were years and years ahead of the U.S. when it came to equality. Our own country may not implement labor camps at all for another few decades, or until a socialist is elected president, whichever comes first."
Many people on social media pointed out that gender equality wasn't really something to be praised when it comes to a totalitarian regime. But the Times simply doubled down, publishing pieces that praised the Soviet Union for various things:
- The wage gap: everybody made almost no money equally
- Immigration policy: anyone who sneaked into the Soviet Union would be kept there permanently
- Abortion: kill all the babies and also the political dissenters and most of everyone else
- Plastic straws: have no clean water so there are no straws
- Environmental policy: constant blackouts mean smaller carbon footprint
The Times has also reportedly been considering moving its headquarters to Moscow.