NEW YORK, NY — The staff of the New York Times spent the morning patiently waiting by the computer, waiting for the call from Hamas to see what the terrorists would like to have printed on the front page today.
"No fingers on the keyboard until Hamas calls!" declared Chief Editor Joe Khan. "We don't post a single word unless we've sourced it directly from the terrorists on the ground - understood?"
At long last, the Zoom app began ringing with a phone call from a Hamas spokesman. "Hello! Allahu Ackbar! Okay, what message do you guys want out there?" asked reporter Gene Okerlund. "Yes, yes, I know you want it to say ‘Death to Israel,' but is there anything more specific you want? Any horrific atrocities you guys perpetrated by accident but want to pin on the Jews? Great! Oh yeah, we can inflate those death tolls. We'll have the whole Middle East rioting in no time!"
Sources with the newspaper confirmed this has been a longstanding arrangement between the publication and horribly evil terrorist organizations. "We have the highest standards of integrity here at the New York Times," said Mr. Khan. "If you're a terrorist, you can rest assured that we will print exactly what you tell us, word for word. No matter how absurd the lie is, no matter if the lie could literally lead to wider war and death - you can count on us to print what you say."
At publishing time, The New York Times editorial staff was preparing to go with a new front-page story titled "Israel Uses Giant Zionist Space Laser To Kill Eleventy-Billion Palestinian Orphans And Puppies."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
