NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump has been indicted by the New York District Attorney for allegedly bringing firefighters pizza but without a house salad or cheesy bread.
"After a lengthy day in court, former President Trump personally delivered pizzas to New York firefighters without a single leaf of salad or some cheesy bread," declared District Attorney Alvin Bragg. "For the sake of our democracy, he must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and then a bit futher."
According to sources close to the investigation, Trump allegedly attempted to feed firefighters without any sides to accompany the delicious fresh pizza. "Has Trump no decency, no shame?" cried MSNBC's Joe Scarborough as he played clips of firefighters shaking Trump's hand. "Look at those firefighters being bamboozled by this charlatan. Not a crouton in sight! Lock him up! Lock him up!"
Critics were quick to condemn Trump's actions, decrying them as a flagrant abuse of power and yet another attempt to destroy democracy. "Pizza accompanied by a garden salad is the bedrock of democracy," declared DA Alvin Bragg, wiping marinara from his mouth. "If you're going to just give people pizza, you might as well rip the Constitution in half."
At publishing time, Trump was indicted once again as he was spotted entering the New York sewers with more pizza, undoubtedly trying to buy the teenage, mutant, ninja turtle vote.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
