WASHINGTON, D.C. — New White House janitor Günter Hiden received high marks for punctuality after arriving early Wednesday to clean up the leftover cocaine that had been previously discovered in the White House's famous West Wing.
"I've never seen someone so diligent," remarked White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients. "He discarded all the cocaine in a small plastic bag and then proceeded to scour the entire room to make sure no traces were left behind."
"What a pro."
Hiden said only, "Please, I'm no hero. I'm just a humble German immigrant trying to get my hands on some sweet crack. Uh, to clean up!"
According to sources, the janitor bears a striking resemblance to the president's son Hunter Biden but has a very thick handlebar mustache so it obviously can't be the same person. When questioned, the janitor only said he did not speak English because he is a "poor humble German from Germany." He then advised everyone to leave the White House while he searched the remaining rooms for some fresh powder.
At publishing time, Günter Hiden was seen leaving the White House with a serious case of the sniffles.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
