New White House Janitor Günter Hiden Arrives To Clean Up Leftover Cocaine
Politics · Jul 5, 2023 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New White House janitor Günter Hiden received high marks for punctuality after arriving early Wednesday to clean up the leftover cocaine that had been previously discovered in the White House's famous West Wing.

"I've never seen someone so diligent," remarked White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients. "He discarded all the cocaine in a small plastic bag and then proceeded to scour the entire room to make sure no traces were left behind."

"What a pro."

Hiden said only, "Please, I'm no hero. I'm just a humble German immigrant trying to get my hands on some sweet crack. Uh, to clean up!"

According to sources, the janitor bears a striking resemblance to the president's son Hunter Biden but has a very thick handlebar mustache so it obviously can't be the same person. When questioned, the janitor only said he did not speak English because he is a "poor humble German from Germany." He then advised everyone to leave the White House while he searched the remaining rooms for some fresh powder.

At publishing time, Günter Hiden was seen leaving the White House with a serious case of the sniffles.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.