WASHINGTON, D.C. — To quiet some of the controversy that arose from the publication of a calendar featuring conservative women, a Republican political action committee has announced the release of a new "Real Conservative Men" calendar for 2024 featuring 12 pictures of Congressman Thomas Massie, fully clothed and holding the U.S. Constitution.

"This is what conservative voters really want to look at," said Roger Davis, spokesman for the committee that produced the calendar. "That other calendar may have caused a lot of division and arguments within the conservative movement, but Thomas Massie posing with the Constitution is something that none of us can take our eyes off of. Just look at him! Hubba hubba!"

While the debate about the conservative women calendar continues to rage, political analysts expressed confidence that the Massie calendar would act as a unifier. "Forget attractive right-leaning women posing provocatively," said Professor Blake Rumsey of the conservative think tank Right Is Right, "Thomas Massie and the Constitution are what get American patriots drooling."

When reached for comment, Massie stated he was happy to participate in the project. "I'm all about drawing attention to conservative thought," the Kentucky representative said. "Let's be honest, this isn't the first time I've been put in the position of being beefcake eye candy, but this time it's for a good cause."

At publishing time, while prominent female personalities who appeared in the controversial women's calendar were reportedly growing jealous at the attention Massie was getting, they acknowledged there was no way they could compete with him.

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