DERRY, ME — In the wake of public outcry over the murderous evil clown Pennywise telling the townspeople "I'm coming for your children," the local NBC affiliate is assuring residents that the demonic creature is totally harmless and only joking.
"He's a clown, for goodness sake!" said news correspondent Jake Jacobsen. "Wild, red hair…bright red clown nose. He even gives out red balloons to kids! What harm could he possibly mean when he says he's coming for your children?"
Fear and uproar swept through town after Pennywise began enticing children and making it very clear that he would be targeting their children. "He's obviously not someone you would want your children around," said concerned Derry citizen Joseph Brock. "I saw him climbing out of a storm drain. It looked like he had blood on his clothes. Does that seem normal to anyone?"
In spite of mounting evidence that Pennywise desires to dismember and kill the children of the town, the NBC affiliate stood by its defense of the clown. "Look, everyone expresses their love for children in different ways," Jacobsen continued. "It's not our place to tell anyone how they should or should not behave toward kids. Anyone who thinks Pennywise should stay away from children is clearly just a bigot."
At publishing time, as reports came in that Pennywise had ripped off a young boy's arm and pulled him into a storm drain, NBC issued a statement that the clown was just trying to help him find shelter during a rainstorm.
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