HOLLYWOOD, CA — According to sources at the 95th annual Academy Awards ceremony this evening, the nation's wealthy, privileged elite gathered to lecture the nation on the horrendous evils of wealth and privilege.
The wealthiest 0.00001% of the nation arrived at the exclusive, walled-off, high-security event in limos and luxury cars driven by servants in order to spend a few hours telling the nation's poor and middle-class citizens how they need to throw off the yoke of oppression put on them by the wealthy elite.
"It's the white, privileged, wealth hoarders that are ruining America," said one white, privileged man whose net worth is estimated at $160 million. "All you people in the cheap seats at home: you need to do better."
"America is just a terrible nation with no opportunity," said one woman who made $100 million wearing costumes and reading words someone else wrote off a page. "We must stop the 1% from hoarding all the wealth." Upon being informed she was well within the 1%, she clarified that it was actually the 0.000001% who are the problem.
Unfortunately, it looks like the event will proceed as planned next year as well.