CHICAGO, IL — Citizens of Illinois expressed excitement upon hearing that the Chicago streets will play a part in the 2023 NASCAR season. Unfortunately during the first event, one of the drivers was mugged at gunpoint by a Chicago criminal during an 11.2-second pit stop.
"We are sorry to report this high-profile blight on our otherwise spotless record," Chicago Police Chief Garney Phife spoke to the press after the incident. "We remain proud of our pristine and safe city streets, but are acknowledging that this unexpected incident will leave a mark."
High-speed footage has confirmed that an armed thug pointed a handgun at the terrified NASCAR driver and forced him out of the vehicle before leading police on a 3-hour chase.
Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot has also addressed the incident by blaming Republicans for moving slowly on gun control, preemptively rejecting any Federal assistance, and using a litany of profanity that could not be reprinted.
At publishing time, footage showed the car up on blocks as the tires had been stolen.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.