LANSING, MI — Local mom Janet Fields has continued her decades-long tradition of making cranberry sauce for no one to eat.
Despite no one remotely considering touching the cranberry dish for the past thirty years of Thanksgiving dinner, Fields remains undeterred.
"Ope! Can't forget the cranberry sauce," said Fields as she began the feast preparations. "Wouldn't be Thanksgiving without cranberry sauce, you know. I love the color it adds to the table, it's so bright and festive. Mm, that smell! You know, I don't actually care for cranberry sauce myself, but it's part of the tradition and it's always gone the next day. Did you know cranberries have flavonoids?"
According to sources, no one in the Fields family has ever eaten a cranberry willingly. "I still do not know what cranberry sauce is made of, and I don't want to know," said Mark Fields. "There is something unholy about fruit that takes the shape of an aluminum can. Yet, there is something weirdly comforting about knowing it will always be there."
At publishing time, Fields had also set out some white turkey meat in case anyone preferred white meat.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
