HELL — The founder of Islam expressed continued frustration with Democrats on Wednesday, calling them out for referring to Islam as a "religion of peace."
"I literally created this religion by murdering people and threatening to murder people," said an exasperated Mohammed. "How do I not get any credit for all that violence? Sometimes, it almost feels like I killed all those people for nothing. It's so disheartening."
Mohammed praised the continued work of his followers on earth, who have worked tirelessly to set the record straight. "My followers have continued murdering and raping tens of thousands of people every year. I just don't know how the liberals aren't getting it," sighed Mohammed. "Like, what do they want from us to prove we're not a religion of peace? Do they want us to fly planes into buildings? Did it. Film ourselves stoning women? Done. Share videos of us beheading Christians as ISIS murders and rapes its way across the world? Check. How about go into Israel, commit the most sickening acts of violence you can imagine, film ourselves, and share the videos across the world? WE DID. What more do you want from us to prove we aren't peaceful?"
Thousands of Muslims across the globe used the anniversary of October 7th to try to help clear up the confusion. "Mohammed was pretty clear, guys. How many times do we have to say 'We want to kill you' before you'll believe us?" said New York City resident Amir Ibrahim. "Look, I'd rather be home relaxing right now, but instead I have to be out here in a Hamas headband, celebrating mass murder, shouting 'Die infidel, die' - just so that you people will get it."
At publishing time, L. Ron Hubbard had comforted Mohammed, stating his own frustration that people say Scientology isn't a pyramid scheme.
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