BANGKOK—The Miss Universe pageant is once again embroiled in controversy, this time because all contest losers have identified as winners, demanding that the pageant's organizers recognize their subjective identities as objective truth.
Dozens of contestants came out as winners, but the allegedly open and inclusive pageant organizers refused to crown all of them champions in keeping with their internally felt reality.
"It's bigoted and disgusting," said one woman from South America. "Despite the fact that I have declared myself to be a winner, as my feelings have dictated, they have thus far refused to crown me Miss Universe along with Miss Philippines. "It's 2018, people."
"I am Miss Universe—I was born this way," she added.
The contest drew international attention for featuring the first transgender contestant, Angela Ponce of Spain this year. Despite its supposed progressivism and inclusive agenda, it looks like the pageant won't allow everybody's emotions to determine objective fact.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.