U.S.—In spontaneous, rapturous celebration, millions of Americas took to the streets to celebrate the end of the World Cup Sunday evening and well into Monday morning upon hearing rumors that the lengthy soccer tournament had finally ended.
Soccer balls were burned in effigy as revelers flooded the nation’s highways and byways, overjoyed by the news that they wouldn’t have to hear about soccer for another four years. Sudden pickup games of good sports like football and baseball broke out as the ecstatic crowds grew larger and larger. Americans paraded through their cities, drinking beer, driving Chevrolets, and eating apple pie as they rejoiced over the end of the non-America-centric event.
“We no longer have to politely pretend to be interested as our coworkers tell us about non-American countries kicking a ball around,” one man in New Jersey said. “What can you do but celebrate?”
“Sure, it’ll come back around, but we can worry about that in four years,” he added.
At publishing time, the nation had confirmed that it will begin caring about soccer the moment the United States sends a competitive team to the World Cup, or at least one that manages to qualify. “We will then act as though we have cared about soccer all along,” one man said.