DEARBORN HEIGHTS, MI — In what experts described as a major step toward a greater level of inclusivity for law enforcement agencies across the country, one Michigan police department announced that it would help Muslim immigrants feel more welcome by having its officers wear suicide vests while out on patrol.
The Dearborn Heights Police Department, which provides law enforcement to a town with a significant number of Muslim residents, held a press conference to introduce its latest initiative to make Middle Easterners feel more at home by outfitting officers with authentic suicide vests.
"It's all about making the people here feel like they're at home," said Dearborn Heights Police Chief Ahmed Haidar. "Moving to a new country with an entirely different culture can be incredibly hard, so every little thing that makes them feel more welcome and reminds them of where they came from can help. That's why we've decided to issue vests wired with explosives to all of our officers. It makes our town feel a lot more like the Middle East."
Muslims in the city said they noticed a difference right away. "It's a little slice of home," said Dearborn Heights resident Anwar Al Majid. "Ever since I moved here, I noticed a distinct lack of suicide bombings and improvised explosive devices. It made the environment feel very foreign to me. Now, with the police wearing suicide vests, it's making me feel a lot more welcome. Thank you, and death to America."
At publishing time, the Dearborn Heights Police Department had also announced that it would institute a new policy of beating women in the streets if they refused to wear a hijab in public.
Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?
