MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local Plumber Mario and his brother Luigi were arrested on hate crime charges during a Special Cup Tournament in which they left unsightly skid marks on Rainbow Road.

"Rainbow Road has long been a proud symbol of our allyship with the LGBTQQIP2SAA+ community," said a Peach's Castle spokestoad to reporters. "When Mario screeched his tires, leaving skid marks on that beautiful rainbow-colored road, he left skid marks on the hearts of the entire queer community. No punishment is too great for hate like this."

Sources say Bowser has offered the use of a dungeon in Castle Koopa where Mario will be held indefinitely and pelted with hammers and fireballs while awaiting trial. His brother Luigi has been released on bail.

Mario's nemesis, Wario, has also weighed in. "I'm deeply disturbed and saddened by this display of hate by Mario and Luigi," he said in a written statement. "I stand proudly with the queer community as they deal with the devastating emotional damage wrought by this bigot. I'm-a-gonna-WIIIIIN!"

At publishing time, Rainbow Road had been repaired again, only to be vandalized again by the notoriously transphobic Hammer Bros.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.