VANCOUVER, WA—According to sources close to local man Johnny Howes, the 28-year-old account manager is still getting all of his theological beliefs from inspirational Christian quotes spotted on Instagram and other social networks.
The man scrolls through the popular image-sharing site and internalizes any easy-to-digest phrases and axioms overlaid on pictures of landscapes in between liking photos of plates of food, artisan coffee, and cool cars.
“I know if I can just let go and let God help me help myself, He won’t give me more than I can handle,” Howes told reporters as he spotted another inspirational quote from Pastor Steven Furtick and immediately adjusted his theology to align with the borderline heretical content. “The fact that Jesus is always carrying me through the hard times across the sands of my life just sustains me through the darkest days.”
Howes further stated that one of the most important attributes of God is that He never closes a door without first opening a window, and that God helps His people conquer their own personal Goliaths because we can do all things through Christ.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Howes had also added Christian bumper stickers and T-shirts to his own systematic theology of the faith.
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