OMAHA, NE — A local man was struck with the sudden concern that he may, in fact, be gay, after the suitcase he was checking at the airline ticket counter was found to exceed the 45-lb. weight limit for checked luggage.

"How could I possibly need to pack that much? Unless…" said Steven Craig. "Why on earth should I have this many perfectly matched outfits for a simple weekend trip? You don't think I could be…I mean…a man would only pack this much in his suitcase if he were…gay, right?"

Steven was left frantically debating with himself next to the airline counter as he opened his suitcase and shuffled through its contents. "Multiple pairs of shoes? Why?! Why should a guy like me need more than one pair of shoes for a trip?" he said with a stunned tone in his voice. "And what's this? A blow dryer?! I'm a dude, why should I pack a blow dryer? Hold on, why is my toiletry bag so heavy? Oh no…do I have moisturizer? Oh no. Oh please no…"

Steven then grabbed handfuls of clothing from his luggage and threw them in a nearby trash can, desperately trying to make his suitcase lighter and reassure himself of his lifestyle choices.

At publishing time, Steven's suitcase had weighed in under the required limit and he was preparing to board his flight. Witnesses said a second wave of doubt washed over him shortly before takeoff after the man in the seat next to him mistook his shoulder bag for a purse.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.