U.S. - According to sources at the DNC, Joe Biden, a man who has been part of government since before Jaws, Star Wars, the Walkman, the NES, and the publishing of The Silmarillion, is just the man for the difficult task of fixing the government.

"This man who has been part of the broken system since 1972 is our last hope to fix the broken system," said a DNC spokesperson. "See, since he's been part of the problem for so long, only he knows how bad the problem is. So only he can fix it. If you got some outsider with, like, morals and stuff, they would be too horrified to even go to Washington in the first place."

"No, we need someone who's been part of the swamp and has participated in much injustice, oppression, and bloodshed to fix the whole thing from the ground up."

He also has a cop helping him out, sources confirmed at publishing time.