SCOTTSDALE, AZ — Local man Jeff Denison is still working to process through his deep anger and resentment at how much time he was forced to spend as a young man learning about parabolas.
Though able to live a mostly normal life, the bitterness at having to senselessly plot out the quadratic function has never fully gone away.
"I'm not over it," said Denison, the rage building in his chest. "I'm not sure I ever will be. I learned so much about parabolas against my will. Dozens of hours of my life, dedicated to the parabola. And for what?? It is all just so insensate, this torture that was visited upon me."
According to sources, Denison was forcibly made to draw parabolas both by hand and on a graphing calculator during various periods from eighth through eleventh grade. Several teachers and even Denison's parents were involved in the episodes. "Most of the time, I don't think about it," said Denison. "But every so often, you see something kind of parabolic shaped, and it all comes back. Just... why? No one needs to know this! No one in recorded history has ever needed a parabola! Why was this done to me??"
At publishing time, Denison had taken a solemn vow that the generational curse of the parabola would not be passed along to his children.
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