NAPLES, FL — Local man Ernest Thompson is starting to think now may have been a bad time to launch his own business, "Crazy Ernie's Deep Sea Expeditions."
"Of all the rotten luck!" said Mr. Thompson as he watched the news for updates on the Titan. "I'm beginning to feel like this was a really terrible time to start a business in which I take people down to crushing ocean depths in a homemade submersible."
Mr. Thompson had just hosted a grand opening for "Crazy Ernie's," only for the event to be interrupted halfway through by the news that a submersible had gone missing near the Titanic. "I tried to reassure the guests that we have the latest in safety technology at Crazy Ernie's, but people started to panic," said Mr. Thompson. "With every news update, more passengers canceled their trips. I'm ruined!"
According to prospective passengers, despite trusting Crazy Ernie, the heightened fear of drowning in a submarine was too much to overcome. "Don't get me wrong, Crazy Ernie seems very responsible," said Mr. Dan Jenkins, who had canceled his upcoming weekend trip. "But the fact that the sub is controlled by a Dance Dance Revolution dance pad is a little concerning."
At publishing time, sources report that Mr. Thompson had unfortunately had to close his business, but was able to salvage most of his signage to open "Crazy Ernie's Submarine Sandwich Shop."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
