U.S. — Special Counsel Robert Hur will not recommend charges for Biden's mishandling of classified documents on the grounds that he's too old and senile to stand trial.
"I mean, seriously, have you seen that guy?" said Hur to reporters. "I tried to ask him questions and he attempted to put my notepad in his mouth. The dude is totally zonked out for sure. I mean, we all knew this, right?"
In spite of the report detailing Biden's late-stage dementia, the Special Counsel confirmed Biden is just fine to continue running the country. "Oh yeah, that's no problem," he said. "You heard the Press Secretary. He's so active and alert no one can keep up with him! Impressive!"
When reporters approached the President for a statement, Biden responded by attempting to put the microphone in his mouth.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.