PORTLAND, OR — President Biden has recently announced that he will be canceling $10,000 in student loan debt for all borrowers who cannot pay for loans they were forced into against their will. Local man Anthony Harb has agreed to recount his gut-wrenching and harrowing story of how he was coerced at gunpoint below:
"Look I didn't have a choice in the matter, okay? Who wants to pay $100,000 to go out of state and have complete freedom at last from my parents to go party every night and get a degree in Mechanical Engineering?" said Anthony Harb. "But they made me do it! Federal agents literally burst down my door and held a loaded gun to my head until I signed and took out a $100,000 loan from them. It was terrible. It was the worst day of my life!"
"I tried to be strong. I tried to say no, but the government agents showed me a video of my parents and sister tied up and begging for their lives. If I didn't sign my name to that $100,000 dollar loan none of them would be here today," Anthony continued, holding back tears. "I was just a kid! What was I supposed to do when confronted by such predatory government loans?"
"But now thanks to the most gracious $10k debt cancellation from Joe Biden (may he live forever) I can finally have the freedom to pay my bills and go about my life while only making a meager $124,999 engineering salary!" Anthony added. "And I never even had to cancel my Saturday brunch, or work extra shifts to do it!"
At publishing time, Anthony Harb told us yet another nightmare horror story about how just yesterday the same government agents broke in again and made him sign an $800,000 mortgage and max out his $50,000 credit card at Best Buy. Mr Harb says he is literally begging Joe Biden in all his mercy to once again come in and save him with other people's money.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
