SALEM, OR — A hotel guest caused quite the stir at a local Holiday Inn Express this week after discovering the presence of ICE at his hotel.
"Why is Holiday Inn aiding and abetting literal fascists?" said Marvin Pimmins, a concerned guest from room 114. "They even have their own special room and wall plaque and everything. I don't recognize my country anymore.
"You won't take me alive!" said another overnight guest named Juan Ramirez. "I snuck across the border fair and square! Aiiieeee!"
According to hotel staff, this is the third time a guest has fled from an ice machine in the last week.
"It was horrible! They had several rooms set aside just for ICE. I could tell from the signs," said anti-ICE activist Karen McWhite. "We should burn this hotel down."
Following the ordeal, protestors began assembling in the parking lot to speak out against the presence of ICE at the hotel. When hotel manager Roger Stout attempted to explain that the rooms marked for "ICE" were only for ice machines, he was stoned in the street.
"He's covering for ICE! Get him!" a member of the mob shouted. "The ICE raids are here! They're here!"
At publishing time, Holiday Inn Express CEO Bob Holiday issued a statement explaining that the hotel chain does not support ICE and will be making a sizable donation to the National Immigrant Justice Center.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
