RICHMOND, VA — As part of a new morning routine, local man Reggie Hayes checked the news to see if his retirement account had vanished or whether he was now a millionaire.
"Okay, let's see here," Hayes reportedly said to himself as he checked the news. "It looks like I'm broke and destitute. Bummer. Wait - hold on - it actually looks like I'm wealthy beyond my wildest dreams now."
"Wait, never mind, I'm getting another update here."
Hayes joins countless other workers whose hopes of wealth and retirement fluctuate wildly depending on whatever Trump might be doing that day. "My hopes are shattered forever," said Hayes. "Ope - hold up, looks like I'm a millionaire again. Cool."
Economists are expecting further market volatility as Trump continues tough negotiations with China. "We're absolutely sure of two possible results of Trump's actions," said one economist. "The market might go up. On the other hand, it might also go down."
At publishing time, Hayes had lost everything and was poor again.
UPDATE: Now he's a billionaire.
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