CONWAY, AR — Local man Dirk Chonkleton has expressed frustration at what he describes as a concerning trend occurring in his local town, claiming, with deep aggravation, that anti-gun protestors show up every time he leaves his home wearing a tank top.
"Hey hey! Ho ho! Those massive guns have got to go!" yelled protestors while watching Chonkleton's arms ripple as he lifted a 24-pack of Coors Light to the checkout counter with ease.
Another protestor then dumped tomato soup on the man's bulging biceps.
"It's like this everywhere I go," said Chonkleton in frustration while wiping soup off his glistening muscles. "Even worse, I'm bombarded with invitations to become a showcase at outdoor conventions and gun expos. It's exhausting."
Chonkleten then paused the interview to check his phone, only to see a notification saying he had been added to the FBI's Terrorist Watch List for owning two weapons of mass destruction.
At publishing time, Dirk Chonkleton had been publicly honored as Gun Owner of the Year at the NRA's annual convention.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
