LOS ANGELES, CA - After a lifetime of always being late for church, his job, and funerals, 5-point Calvinist and local resident of Los Angeles Jonathan Knox realized he was predestined to hit every single red light.
"It was not up to me," said Jonathan calmly, after arriving 1 hour 27 minutes late to ushering at the Reformed-Calvin Baptist Church.
The Bee caught up with Jonathan stuck at a red light during his daily 45 minutes, 5-mile commute to work.
"While it is ever so slightly irksome, it was liberating realizing that I am never responsible for being late ever again. God ordained this before the foundation of time. Who am I to question him sovereignly ordaining that I miss work today?"
Despite angry family and friends, Jonathan continues to remain positive and cheerful, continually praising God for his foreknowledge in designating him to a life of tardiness.
God did not immediately respond when asked for comment.
At publishing time, Mr. Knox is still sitting at a light.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.