NEW YORK, NY—Furious progressives working at Planned Parenthood warned today that Texas' new abortion limitations will inordinately affect minority communities, and if they were to stand, could lead to more minorities being allowed to live.
"This terrible law that keeps babies from having their heads crushed will particularly affect poor communities of color," said Brenda Davis, Planned Parenthood spokesperson. "If you're poor, and then you have a baby, you'll be even poorer. Children are obviously better off dead than having to be alive and poor! But these sick, twisted Republicans want these babies to be alive anyway, even though we know their entire lives will suck because they are black and poor. Monsters!"
Abortion advocates have also pointed out that the restrictions would eliminate the ability of parents to kill their baby if the baby turns out to be disabled. "Not allowing women to get the screening back in order to decide if the child's life is worth living is simply unconscionable," said Hillary Clinton. "Surveys of people with Down syndrome say they lead happy and fulfilling lives - but obviously we know better than they do, because they have Down syndrome! Women should be able to kill their baby for any reason - too short, too many toes, having an outie belly button - that's what women's rights really look like!"
Abortionists warned that if they were to close down, Texas would pay the price by having more people of color and with disabilities, which would make Texas even more awful than it already is. "This is a tragedy on top of a tragedy," said Alexis Johnson, president of Planned Parenthood. "Not only are we talking about more babies being born, but we're also talking about a disproportionate number of black babies being born. That's an existential threat to the eugenics mission we were founded on, if you know anything about our history."
At publication time, liberals were trying to make a point by releasing proposals forcing men to be equally involved in the raising and supporting of children, but conservatives simply agreed to everything.