WASHINGTON D.C. — After years of desperately trying to remove former President Trump from ballots, President Biden has declared that we must settle our differences by making a choice with ballots.
"Let me be perfectly clear," said President Biden. "The idea that political violence, look, this is America, and there is no place for semi-assault, automatic weapons in our -- well, anyway. In November, we will sort things out at the battle box!"
Biden also stressed the need to cool the temperature of political rhetoric, shortly before declaring that Trump is a racist, fascist dictator who must be stopped at all costs. Biden expressed confidence that Americans can come together and unify to beat Trump on the ballots, just as long as Trump's name doesn't appear on them. "In America, we do not resort to political violence. That's not who we are," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "We let the American people vote, so long as we can dictate who they are allowed to vote for. That's real freedom."
The effort to remove Trump from ballots began earlier this year in Colorado and Rhode Island, but Biden has committed to making sure Trump won't appear on ballots in Canada, Mexico, Egypt, Palestine, or East Germany as well.
At publishing time Biden had closed his speech with the powerful words, "Let's save democracy! End of quote. Toshiba."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
