TO THE PUBLIC —
Our lawyers at the Babylon Bee have asked us to release an official legal statement to inform you that Joel Osteen never actually sailed his yacht through flooded Houston passing out copies of "Your Best Life Now."
Contrary to our article, Joel Osteen does not possess a yacht called the "S.S. Blessed." His vessel is actually called the "S.S. Victory."
Furthermore, the article claims that Osteen threw signed copies of his books at flood victims. This is false. Osteen actually asked for $10 per copy or "whatever is left in your flooded little home."
The article also portrays Osteen as taking pictures with "mud-caked refugees" and "sobbing flood victims." We apologize for this blatant mischaracterization, as Osteen's PR team never allows him to get close to anyone who might plausbily get his $12,000 suit dirty.
We hope this settles any potential legal disputes over our untrue statements. We thank our lawyers for their diligence, and have been informed that they have roughly seven-thousand more legal notices prepared for us to read, most of which are also about Joel Osteen.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
