MURRIETA, CA — According to sources, a kindly middle-aged father began bullying his family during a casual game of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe this week. Police were called to the scene after a neighbor became distressed over the sound of wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from the family's home.
The man, who authorities identified as Peter Ling, reportedly toyed with family members by purposely falling behind so he could lob blue shells at them. He would then rocket to the finish and laugh maniacally, his children claimed.
"Ugh, dad! You're so annoying!" young Timothy reportedly said. "Just play normal!"
"WHATEVER, TOOOOAAAAD!" Mr. Ling would say, mocking whoever complained by referring to them by their character's name.
According to sources, Peter's wife grew upset with her husband by the end of the third race. "Peter! You're taking this too seriously!"
"OUT OF THE WAY, DAAAAIIIIIISY!"
Little Betsy began crying when her father, playing as Wario, fired three red shells at her in quick succession. The five-year-old girl, who had by then been lapped twice, watched her kart spin out and fly off the road into the liquid-hot magma of Grumble Volcano.
"Daddy, please!" she wept.
"HOT ENOUGH FOR YA', PEEEEAAAACH?!"
Officials broke up the family match and talked to Peter Ling outside where they advised him to cool off before things got out of hand.
At publishing time, Eden Ling set up parental controls on their Nintendo Switch to restrict her husband's playtime.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
